Here’s something I came up with last month for my 50th birthday. Sung to the tune of Alice Cooper’s, “Eighteen”.
Spots form on my face and hands
Wrinkles form around my eyes
I’m outside without any pants
It’s easier to water the plants
And I forgot what I want
I just forgot what I want
I think I gotta pee
I better get out of this bed
I’ll go places without my meds
I still got my driver’s license and a big ass car
Took Fifty years to get this far
Don’t always remember what I was talkin’ about
I hear you, you don’t have to shout
‘Cause I’m Fifty
I get confused every day
Huh? What did you say?
I think I’m in the way
Spots form on my face and my hands
Wrinkles form around my eyes
I’m in the middle
The middle of the road
My blinker’s on and I don’t care
I’m Fifty and I’m achy
Yes I’m achy
Oh I’m achy
Fifty and I’m cranky!
Now get off my lawn!
The Big 5-0, or to put it in more recent terminology, Fiddy.
In just a few weeks I’ll hit the half-century mark. Wow, how did this happen?! I don’t feel my age, although there are some days I’ll admit to some aches and pains but I attribute them to working out in the gym, pushing my physical self to the limits my mental self says I should still be able to achieve. I may have lost a step or two on the running track but I’m still able to run a respectable 5K and might just be in better overall shape than I was in high school.
At any rate, I’ll be celebrating my 50th birthday traipsing around, down and in the Grand Canyon. The American Southwest has been an item on my bucket list for quite a while and this year is the year I cross that one off the list!
I’m very much looking forward to visiting the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Four Corners in New Mexico and the gorgeous Sedona, AZ areas as well as a ride on some of Rt. 66 and wherever else the desert winds may take me.
In the meantime, the shopping and planning phases are keeping me occupied and excited.
See you on down the road!
‘Twas a few days before Christmas
And all through the land
Holiday music was playing
Via radio or live band
The halls are not decked
No freaky elf on the shelf
Just me waiting for the Big Man,
Not Clarence, but Santa Claus, himself
I didn’t decorate this year
No lights red, green or bluish
It’s just that I’m lazy
Not that I’m Jewish
Since Santa’s a bit heavy
A change might be nice
Instead of cookies and milk
He’ll get steamed veggies and brown rice
The presents are wrapped
All with bows and stuff
Hopefully next month’s bills
Won’t be too rough
I sent my cards
To family and friends
This Florida weather is great
I hope it never ends
I’ll finish up now
I have a few things left to do
Merry Christmas to all
God bless most of you
“Hello…?”, I croaked into the phone, groggy in my sleepy state.
Who would be calling me at this hour, again.
Uh oh, this can’t be good.
“Dad, are you there?! Can you hear me?! Are you there?!” The voice was female and frantic.
“Yeah, I’m here. What’s going on?” I was slowly coming out of my sleepy stupor. My daughter doesn’t call me often at 2:11 in the morning; in fact, she never calls me at this time.
“I need help! Someone’s after me and I don’t know what to do!”
Now, I was fully awake!
“Ok, where are you?”, I asked, hoping that if I could get her to concentrate on something, anything, it would help her calm down.
“I’m in the car. I left the bar after work and someone’s been following me ever since. I sped up, slowed down, turned down side streets and the car is still following me! I don’t know what to do!”
She was panicking at this point. A bunch of questions ran through my mind but now was not the time to ask them. But why was she at a bar so late at night? Who’s car was she driving? She didn’t have a car.
“I’m turning down your street, come outside!”
I jumped out of bed, pulled on my scrub pants and headed for the front door. The early morning air was chilly against my bare chest as I opened the door and stepped outside but there was no time to find a t-shirt to wear. My cell phone was in my left hand and my .40-caliber handgun was in my right; I wasn’t taking any chances with whomever was following my daughter.
“OK, I’m in your driveway! Where are you?! He’s pulling up behind me!”
“Michelle, there’s no car in my driveway. Where are you?”
Now I was starting to get a bit nervous.
The female voice on the phone was now frantic AND confused.
“Dan, what are talking about? I’m sitting in your driveway and that car is right behind me?!”
I was now very worried for this girl, “Honey, I don’t know who you are but you’ve dialed the wrong number. You need to get someplace safe and call the police.”
The girl on the other end of the phone was now crying.
“I can’t get out of here, he’s got me blocked in. Oh my God, he’s coming up to the car!”
The sound of breaking glass and the girl’s ear-piercing scream were the last sounds I heard before the phone call dropped.
I know it’s only October but as I was driving home the other night, with the air conditioner blowing cool air at my face, I was reminded of Christmas when I was a kid. I was in a quiet, reflective mood and my mind drifted back to the celebrations at my grandparent‘s house.
Christmas started early for us kids as we would wake up to our overflowing stockings at the foot of our beds. After examining the goods that Santa literally laid at our feet, we would jump out of bed and not so quietly sneak downstairs to see what the jolly old elf put under the tree. We were never disappointed!
After opening our gifts and eating breakfast, we drove over to our grandparent’s house where we feasted on delicious holiday fare and spent the day laughing, singing and playing with our new toys with brothers, sisters and cousins. What a blast we all had!
By the time we had to go home, we were exhausted. We bundled up in our heavy coats, scarves and hats for the short ride home that seemed to last forever. The icy chill stabbed through our clothes and stung our faces all the way home. The car never seemed to heat up until we pulled into our driveway.
Looking back on those nights now, the cold chill on my face didn’t seem much different than the cool breeze provided by my car’s air conditioner.
Funny how one’s perspective changes over time.
Fat man sitting on a little stool
Takes the money from my hand while his eyes take a walk all over you
Hands me the ticket smiles and whispers good luck
Cuddle up angel cuddle up my little dove
We’ll ride down baby into this tunnel of love
I can feel the soft silk of your blouse
And them soft thrills in our little fun house
Then the lights go out and it’s just the three of us
You me and all that stuff we’re so scared of
Gotta ride down baby into this tunnel of love
There’s a crazy mirror showing us both in 5-D
I’m laughing at you you’re laughing at me
There’s a room of shadows that gets so dark brother
It’s easy for two people to lose each other in this tunnel of love
It ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above If you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love
Lyrics by Bruce Springsteen