The First Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone and as I reflect on this most recent four day weekend, I can’t help but think how truly thankful I am at how everyone has held true to the reason for the holiday. I can just imagine how the original settlers celebrated this joyous event.

Back in 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed from Italy in search of anything important enough to give him his own holiday but he was really hoping to reach America where the kids would learn poems about his sailing prowess and plague-giving abilities. Somewhere along the way he got lost and landed on the shores of India or Ireland or some place like that. Regardless, he screwed up, which left America, as it was already being called in all the travel brochures, wide open for the Pilgrims.

Now the Pilgrims, aptly named for their crappy attitudes and solemn countenances, were tired of the poor dental practices in England and decided in 1620 to load all their belongings into a Mayflower moving company transport ship and sail to America; the land of baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. Upon arrival in the beautifully balmy state of Massachusetts, Starfleet Captain John Smith strode ashore and tripped over Plymouth Rock, gashing his knee in the process. This brought forth much laughter from Daniel Day-Lewis and the other Mohican tribe members who were taking a break outside one of their casinos.

After the rest of the Pilgrims unloaded their steamer trunks and Louis Vuitton suitcases from the ship, they were invited in to the casino for the buffet, which in Mohican meant “germ-fest” and since it was Thursday, the kids ate free. The Pilgrims winked knowingly to themselves as they were told it was still early and therefore wouldn’t need “reservations”.

After the meal, the Pilgrims opened their fortune cookies, revealing their lucky lottery numbers, left a small, insignificant coin as a tip for Sacajawea, (about one dollar in today’s market) and waddled back to the ship where they all unbuckled their pants and fell asleep in front of the TV to a rerun of I Love Lucy.

So there you have it, a fairly accurate recap of the first Thanksgiving celebration as told to me by my grandmother. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!